I Found A Book…
This morning I found a book in my yard. It was pushed into the hedge, which is crazy because these bushes are full of thorns. The people who hired this place before me put them there, and I'm really glad I didn't ask for permission to destroy them because they are so creepy.
It's not a phone book, an address book, or even a calendar, even though it's one of those soft leather-bound books you see in shops every December. The ones that cost more than a reasonable person would pay for a book that they will only read once a year. There was only a name on the front page and a bunch of entries with numbers. There were also small lines of blood on the cover that looked like someone slashed it and got needles in it.
The name of the owner is - was? Melina: I hope it wasn't.
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Number 1:
Wow, this book is really good.
I shouldn't have started with that. Well, you know what they say: start as you mean to go on! Even though I finally got a job, I'm still going to swear like a sailor! I finally have a job that pays, so I can leave this house and be away from my dad! He thinks that I don't know who stole this book. He would never pay this much for something nice.
I don't even remember applying for any government jobs. It must have been during the first crazy stretch of "applying for anything I might be remotely qualified for." Really, though, the pay is great! All hail the government and their shady pay talks with family members.
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Part 2:
My doctor has to check me out before I can start work. Hey, look. Okay, I guess I need to stop smoking right now. I can't lose this before I even begin. I really dislike giving up. I'd buy the gum, but Dad drank all the money I had saved from no job. Once more.
The work is being done on-site, so I don't have to pay for it...
Before Monday, do these things:
You should call the bank and yell at them until they cancel the card like they said they would.
To sit, move Buttons to J-. This time I won't be able to pay her, so I'll have to give her something from my mom to do it. Shit.
Take the key to my car off of my dad's keyring. It's an old, broken-down piece of junk, but it's MINE. Hide my papers under the loose seat, that's where he never looks.
Go see Mom's grave.
Leave this house right now and never come back.
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Number 3:
This morning I had my checkup. It took a very long time for a girl doctor to show up, which is cool. Going to work in this big grey building, which is grey on the inside and the outside. Most likely as unhappy as fuck, but the people I saw doing things didn't look too sad.
I didn't have any strange lumps or blood, so I think I passed. I really want something bad, but coffee helps. I tell myself of how much I need this job every time I want a cigarette.
That's something: I was able to rent a cabin at the trailer park at the last minute. I was able to convince the boss to wait until next week, when I get my layoff pay. It's not much, but it's something to live on until the real money comes in.
...I had an idea. Do MRIs usually come with physicals?
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Number 4:
Entry of data. I had to go through all that crap to enter info. I hate my life.
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Number 5:
Today there was a dog at work. After lunch, it came into my office and started looking around like crazy. I don't even know their names because they never say anything else besides the endless readings we're putting into the system. The other three people there looked at it and sat down even more than normal. I will never ignore a dog's barking again.
Even more so when the dog gets close to my shoulder. It was a big dog, man. It was also the biggest sook ever. The big soft guy looked like he was going to die of happiness after two minutes of being petted and talked to like a baby.
The rest of the day, I swear I typed twice as fast. Puppies are really cool.
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Number 6:
My dad found out where I was. He was yelling like a banshee and banging on the door so hard that I thought it would fall down. The boss called the police. Someone from the police gave me his number in case I ever need to get rid of Dad again.
I need a place TODAY. Why doesn't the old jerk just DIE?! For some reason, Mom had to be the one hit by the phone pole.
I dislike everything.
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Number 7:
Today I saw the dog at work again. I was walking next to a tall, skinny man who was dressed to the nines. He wouldn't stand out much next to the dog if he didn't have this... I'm not sure. There was something about him that said, "Look at me and remember me, because I can fuck you all up." Or something.
Still, it's kind of cute. He looked even younger than me, which makes me wonder what he was doing there. Also, the jerks I work with never forget that I'm almost done with school.
Tomorrow we're going to look at a few flats. Dad hasn't come out yet, but I'm sure that jerk will be back right away.
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Number 8:
At last, a good day! I got the news this morning before work: I got a place! The studio apartment is so small that it's barely bigger than a bedsit. But it's clean, cheap, and Dad has no idea where it is. The best part is that I can move in right away! For a while, I'll be sleeping on a dirty old camp bed, but who cares?
Also saw the dog again. It remembered me, but it wasn't a pretty boy, boo.
Everything is better with a dog. Especially very big ones.
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Number 9:
I met the cute boy. I work for him. What a bunch of nonsense! Okay, so it's really my boss's boss, but still! I swear I had no idea he was my boss when I checked him out! (Being human, I find it cute, and it takes my mind off of how badly I want a cigarette.)
He didn't understand why his dog liked me. I may have talked a bit too much about how much I love dogs and miss having them around since my mum died. I most likely sound like a fool.
Don't let him think of me, please!
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Number 10:
Dad is gone. For a protection order, I had to give my address, but I might not get it. Stop making that noise.
Someone finally told me today that my job has a gym. It took me an hour to lose it over a punching bag. It feels great to be tired and sore. I'm going to do it again.
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Number 11:
The dog found me at the gym. Jaguar is his name! You are as wrong as someone who says that isn't the best thing ever. Even Donald Trump not being in jail for what he did to those women is wrong.
I'm not going to let that go. People who lie on tape and say they raped someone should be killed so they can't do it again. But enough with the reasons why the world is definitely ending.
The boss came to get his dog and was shocked to see him with me again. Not a thing. Dogs like it when people hug them. He doesn't trust people, so the dog's job is to protect him.
His guard is named Jaguar, and his name is Johnson. I will never get over this.
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Number 12:
Johnson keeps coming up to me when I'm not working or on break. I think he wants to flirt with me.
I'm not going to lie and say I'm not interested, but can I really afford someone when Dad is out driving around drunk?
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13.Enter:
I tried to figure out what some of the data I've been working with lately meant. I didn't find anything.
Does the government really hire me? What do I care? I'm finally beginning to love living...
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Number 14:
Johnson is definitely making out with me. When someone says, "I really admire how hard you work," it sounds weird and awkward. I'd like to flirt back, but I don't want to be known as "that new person who fucked the boss."
Also, the police called to say that Dad has been missing his court-ordered AA and rage management classes. Dad, just die already. You are no longer wanted by anyone.
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Number 15:
I have decided. It doesn't matter to me who I work for or if Dad is being Dad. I'm no longer going to be scared. I'm not going to let anyone scare me again.
I'm going to kiss Johnson the next time I see him. Anyone who tries to stop me should go fuck off.
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Number 16:
This last month has been crazy! I haven't even had time to sleep, let alone write this.
Dad passed away. J- called the police because he could smell something fishy coming from his place. He was so crazy that he drank half of the drain cleaner we bought before Mom died. The police said it wasn't nice. I didn't feel much back then, and I still don't. I guess I'm just glad he's gone.
Johnson and I have a relationship. Something that makes us feel bad, so we don't talk about it much. I love the sex, but he's terrible at dating. It's nice to have someone who doesn't want to let me go because they care, not because they need my money, to copy my homework, or for a quick grope behind the gym, or something.
...Wow. Don't you think my life has been full of constant jerks and fuckups? Johnson is the first person who seems to care about me since my mum died.
It doesn't matter that I still don't know what I'm putting in at work. I'm glad.
In other news, my cousin is getting married, and since my dad is dead, I'm once again invited. So I might finally be able to get back to having a real family. That would be nice!
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Number 17:
I asked for the day off before my cousin's wedding so I could drive down and not be in a hurry on the big day. After less than an hour, Johnson showed up and asked who I was with and why.
He knows I told him about the wedding. Since I learned he has an IQ of 209, I can see why he doesn't always seem very good at regular person things. Some days I can't keep up with him! — but this can't be that hard to understand, right? They are family. Family that isn't a jerk!
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Number 18:
I'm back from the wedding now. Johnson was crazy and yelling so hard that I could barely understand what he was saying. There must have been a problem at work. I've ever been hugged so tight!
He made fun of the fact that he would never let me be gone for so long again. Once things calm down, I guess I need to find a way to tell him that's pretty creepy.
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Number 19:
I had a strong desire for a cigarette today for some reason. I spent what seemed like half the day beating the crap out of punching bags and trying not to snap at anyone who got too close. It hasn't been this bad since I quit.
Johnson thinks it's rude for me to swear, so I need to stop that.
In the end, I told Johnson about Auntie Molly-, the aunt who hooked me up years ago. Her family let her get away with murder even though she was much younger than them and always a mess. I learned at the wedding that she is now in jail. Kids in high school bought drugs from her when she was caught.
I always believed that Mom's family was much better than Dad's. I might have been wrong.
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Number 20:
Yesterday, Auntie Molly was stabbed in jail. They don't believe she will make it.
I'm not sure how to feel. Johnson's arms around me are the only thing that feels real. That's how I feel.
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Entry without a number that has been crossed out more than once:
Where did you get the drain cleaner?
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Number 21:
I am a fool. I was so excited about being able to choose that I forgot to pay attention. I woke up from one nightmare only to fall into another one.
Hi Johnson, You must be reading this. No matter where I go or what I do, I know that people from work are close by because of you. I understand what you did.
Dad earned it. It's likely that Auntie Molly- did too. But that doesn't let you kill people you don't like! I didn't want you to kill anyone for me.
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Number 22:
I am leaving you.
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That's the last thing written in the book. I think she was crying when she wrote it because the page is stained and creased.
This diary is getting boring for me. When I went to the cops, they told me it was just a writing project and that I should go home and stop bothering them. Someone made them look scared.
I'm also scared. A young man with a big dog is looking down my street.
